tamponblog

So I just got back from having dinner with my mom.

It was a nice dinner. Lots of food. Tasty.

But then in the parking lot of the restaurant, my baby started having hiccups. And then he kicked me in my stomach. And I started feeling queasy as I frequently do after eating...

So I stayed near the flowerbeds towards the side of the restaurant and... uh... did my thing. I thought I was okay, so moved back towards my mom's car. Once inside and belted, I realized I wasn't done. "Oh crap!" I exclaimed as my clean shirt became not-so-clean (not to be confused with our friend not-so-fresh!) I then looked at my mom because I don't think she's ever heard me utter the word "crap."

Fortunately, everything was on my shirt and not on the car.

After doing a little clean-up and more flowerbed action, we left and I was fine...

But upon exiting the car, I realized that I had peed all over my mom's nice leather seats.*

Was this subconscious revenge for the frustration I had towards my mother recently?

Really, she is a very sweet woman. Taking me to dinner tonight was lovely... And I was a very bad person for peeing in her car. (I had done it once or twice before, but at age 3 or so.)

The hot water gods got me back, though, because I was looking forward to a nice warm bath tonight - but I forgot that running the washing machine for my soiled clothes would leave me with a cold shower instead.

But I am clean. My clothes will soon be clean. And I think my mom's car will be okay (I toweled it down once I realized the problem.)

*Pregnancy stress-induced incontinence is such that sometimes you really don't realize that the pad you are wearing didn't actually absorb your sins while you were vomiting / coughing / laughing, etc.

Has anyone here tried the birth control patch?

I'm thinking its got to be pretty cool... except I wonder if it really sticks on as well as they claim. I fear I'd be tempted to play with it and pull it off.

And then, if it is so adhesive, how difficult is it to remove?

One of the FAQs on the site regards how to clean a dirt ring around the patch. That sounds kinda nasty.

"I" statements are tricky little things, because it is easy for them to make a person sound weak and/or whiny; the problem CJ was having. The trick with I-s is to make sure that when you use them, you use them to say things that you otherwise would have avoided saying outright.

For the sake of conversation, I will use CherryJello's I-statements from her post (referenced above) as an example. She did a good job at using I-s to explain to her mother her reaction to her mother's suggestions:
"I am feeling overwhelmed by so much information..."
But the beauty of the I-s is that it's a great way to say what you really mean without sugar-coating it. CJ isn't just overwhelmed. She has "been growing resentful" towards her mother's constant advice. And that is the information she wants to get across to her mother, not just that she's overwhelmed. Feeling overwhelmed is just a symptom of the constant advice-getting thing.

The reason I-statements were invented were as a way of communicating needs or feelings in a way that does not put the listener on the defensive. Keeping this intent in mind is a great way to break out from the constant "I-ness" and feel okay about maybe throwing in a few "you"s.
Here's what CJ wanted to say, according to her post:
I feel that you don't respect me when you continue to give me advice when I've made it clear that I haven't wanted to read what the experts say.
But she knew it would put her mother on the defensive.

So, what to say?
Before addressing anything else, always thank people for giving advice. People rarely bother to give advice unless they mean to improve a situation, and that's a nice sentiment, in its way. Don't imply you'll use the advice, though, unless you are sure you will.
Thanks for your advice and for the book.

OK, on to the issue.
First, defense breeds defense. To avoid being defensive, figure out what the intent of the speaker is, not just the words. In this example, it seems that CJ's mom has some kind of concern about discipline - maybe she sees her daughter struggling and is trying to help, or maybe she's poking her nose where it doesn't belong. or maybe something in-between. Figuring out the speaker's intent gives you something to focus on, instead of reacting to the words.
It sounds to me like you're concerned about the way I'm disciplining my child.

Second, validate her intent. This is also good for heading off defensiveness, but stay non-committal.
I appreciate you trying to help me out by reading up on this stuff.

Third, remember the old cliche about a good offense. Address the intent and concern. Mom concerned about discipline? Tell her how you do it; explain your method. If you don't have one, come up with one you want her to use that will be compatible with what you've been doing so far. Tell her something that makes it clear that you are in control and re-asserts her role as an advice-giver and a helper.
While I'm still trying to work out what will be best for my family, I've found that that I do tend to be consistent about [insert discipline method here], and it would be great if you could help me out by reinforcing that consistency by doing the same.

See? I-statements! But so assertive!
I know this didn't directly address the whole reading-of-the-book, but I kind of think that gets covered when you take the book and thank her for it and change the subject. If she pushes you on it, you could just be like, I'll take a look at it. And hey, maybe it's good reading for next time you're on the crapper.
I know this (discover, validate, address Intent) method can work with many issues or arguments or confrontations, but I have to say that it seems like it would be difficult to keep a clear enough head to implement this in a situation as emotionally charged as a mother-daughter confrontation regarding child-rearing. I know that I DO use this style with my own mother who is constantly giving me all sorts of advice, and it has really helped our relationship. Less screaming and crying.

That said, I think CherryJello is incredibly patient with her mother. I'm not sure, but I suspect that if I had kids and my mother were to announce to me that she had begun to use a "particular disciplinary technique" with my son (without asking me first) and that she then proceeded to encourage me to change to that technique, I'd probably be all, "Bitch, step off! You had your chance twenty years ago! No grandson privileges for a week!"
I would so ground her ass.

Omigod, you guys, did I fix the comments? I think I did. If I did, leave a comment to this post telling me so. If not, post and tell me no.

So why am I buying maternity clothes 8 weeks before my due date?

(Well, window shopping... I have the urge to buy, but am trying to talk myself out of it... but of course I didn't talk myself out of some capri jeans, some khaki cargo pants, and a bathing suit because, well, you have to have those essentials for summertime!)

Does it make any sense whatsoever that I am bored to death with all the maternity clothes I have, so now I am buying MORE, even though this kid could possibly arrive early?

My silly logic is that I'll be wearing maternity clothes for awhile after the baby is born, so what does it matter? Well, the first thing that happens after giving birth is that you never want to see maternity clothes again. So there. So you go shopping for stretchy sweats-like stuff that wouldn't have exactly fit while pregnant, but is forgiving enough to fit immediately post-baby... and is very quickly deemed "too frumpy" to wear again, aside from to bed. Yes! Go buy more clothes! (Of course the newborn phase of not having enough time to do anything can greatly reduce the buying of "transition" clothes.)

And then there is the interesting fact that the maternity clothes from my first pregnancy are still in my shed. How lame can you be, CherryJello? HOW LAME?

So in the next couple days, I'll go "organize" the shed, and in so doing, unearth the maternity clothes that are WAY AT THE BACK and unpack them. Yes, unpack them, while I am busy packing the rest of the house (we are moving in a month.)

However, by discovering my old maternity clothes anew, perhaps it will curb my desire to go out and buy new ones!

Right... who am I kidding?

UPDATE: I was watching A Baby Story today (which is a really stupid show for a pregnant woman to watch, but I watch it, plus Discovery Health shows like "Babies: Special Delivery" and "Birth Day") ... and the lady who was just days from her due date went shopping at A Pea in a Pod. That is a pricey place for last minute shopping! Moral is: I guess I am not alone.

(Incidentally, this chick ended up getting induced at 5:30am and was fully dilated at 8:20am. She pushed for maybe 30 minutes before the baby arrived. SUCH LUCK!)

Why is it that when I buy something, it is on sale the next day?

Why is it that I'll wait, like, a week to buy something to see if I really want it..
And to see if maybe it will go on sale..
And then I decide I want it...
But then it doesn't go on sale until the salesperson has already rung up the purchase?

Or, it goes on sale, but alas - no more in my size!?

Not-so-fresh... do you have an update on the bridal shower? (Re games, other details) I am curious! :)

Since we've been given the go-ahead to talk about stuff other than actual tampons and female bodily functions, I'll talk about an aspect of the whole females being so worried about interpersonal relationships thing. I don't think we want to go on a total male vs. female rant-slant for this blog, but I do find it interesting the way some women (me) are so concerned about what others think that we end up being kinda wimpy about it... and yet we are catty and hold grudges too, so there is a discrepancy.

Anyway, one annoying "suggestion" that many "professionals" make to improve communication is to use "I" statements, instead of making accusatory statements about the other person. I am always using "I" statements, but they backfire!

Recently, my mom has been particularly "helpful" in giving "advice." She has been pushing various childcare books on me for the past few weeks and I have been growing resentful. One day after spending the day with my son, she told me that she had used a particular disciplinary technique that was listed in one of the books. She instructed me to read a particular chapter so that I could continue the "system" that she had already set up. I finally said something along the lines of, "I am feeling overwhelmed by so much information. I would like to take a break from reading what the experts say. I feel that by having so much information, I am unable to determine what is best for me and my family, so I would prefer to step-back for awhile."

So my mom says something like, "You shouldn't be so overwhelmed." and chortles. "You are the only one who can stress yourself out. Don't be so sensitive!"

I wanted to respond "I feel that you don't respect me when you continue to give me advice when I've made it clear that I haven't wanted to read what the experts say." Yes, that would have been an "I" statement, but I didn't make it because in the past, my mom has responded, "You are the only one who can make yourself feel bad because you decide how you react to others, so if you think that I am not respecting you, then it is your problem."

(15 minutes later, my mom gave me several more articles and attempted to give me a huge book. I told her "If I need the book, I'll know where to find it. I am not taking it home. You can keep it." She responded, "Yes, I know all about your stress", shaking her head, "but this stuff works...")

The "I" statement is so wimpy because it does imply that the problem is completely in the speaker's head. And yet I continue to use 'em in the hopes that I am not insulting anyone when I have a problem with someone else's actions.

Ah, yes. The what-to-wear-in-hot-weather-but-cold-A/C debate.

I don't like sleeveless knit shirts because of the whole twinset issue. My breasts are too large to wear the accompanying sweater (the buttons pull terribly - and if I get the next size up, the rest of the sweater is too tent-like), so I typically only wear the shell.

And then I freeze.

So I'll have some sort of other (heavier, not button-up) sweater lying around the office to put on. That means that I am wearing too much. I don't look "put together" properly and look way out of season.

One summer, I would wear sundresses (appropriate to the office), but I'd perspire so much en route to the office that when the A/C hit me inside, I would be absolutely frozen to the point of shaking. So I would fill up an empty coke can with hot water from the coffee machine. I'd stick that between my thighs (no, not too high up) in such a way that it wasn't visible amidst the skirt of my dress. This little portable heater worked its purpose fairly well, actually.

But in terms of looking fashionable while also being comfortable, the closest I've come is to have a tan/khaki, navy or black blazer lying around the office - slap that on over the summery shell to look "passable" while inside, then remove before heading outside. This is similar to what the men do -- they have their lightweight button-up shirt that can be layered with a sport coat if needed. But of course the men have the temperature set just-right anyway because their body heat is so much more efficient than ours. (And yet we have a higher fat percentage -- figure that one out!)

Why is it that sleeveless knit shirts are so popular/pervasive for offices? I feel like they are the only option for summer office wear - or, at least, the only option available in stores. And they aren't always the best option in an office; when the thermostat is set to make men feel comfortable (and there is no such thing as an office-appropriate men's sleeveless shirt), that means it's too cold for us to wear just the sleeveless shirt.

I know, I know, hence the twin-set. But then sometimes the long sleeves are too much. Or the two layers are too much.

Am I right, or am I right? I think this merits some discussion, as we would be hard-pressed to discuss only menstruation every day.

A 12 1/2 pound baby!?

See now I am having serious nightmares. Gosh, my 7 1/2 pound baby caused me to get "lots of drugs and lots of getting cut up". A vacuum-extraction isn't pretty - not at the time, and not 3 years later. The delivery of my first son pretty much ruined everything down there - so now my uterus is prolapsed and I can't hold my pee. Do your kegels, women! :)

UPDATE: Upon thinking about it (yes, I was actually thinking about this whole thing), if there had been meconium for a 12 1/2 pound baby, then they would have probably done a c-section, so no pelvic-floor injury there!

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and my water broke at just shy of six months and when it did, I wondered whether or how I should check for meconium (thanks a lot, CherryJello), but then I decided I had bigger problems because I was so incredibly premature, and the baby was already the size of Kevin Sorbo's kid, and I was going to need lots of drugs and lots of getting cut up.

So really, the meconium part added some levity to the dream, I guess.
And as far as a real-life 12 lbs., 6 oz. baby goes, well, that's what you get when you get knocked up by Hercules.

Writing about colored tampons and how I wouldn't want the actual tampon to be colored reminded me of a conversation my Lamaze instructor had with us. She had explained that if our water breaks before we get to the hospital, that we are supposed to check the result to make sure there isn't a ton of blood or meconium. Any meconium is cause for concern, so she said to be very careful in checking. She advised not taking baths and all kinds of other stuff just to make sure our water didn't break without us being sure there was no meconium involved. She kept saying how it might be barely noticeable.

So I was sitting there in my olive-colored underthings, thinking "Since meconium can be olive colored, I might have trouble seeing it if I happen to be wearing this pair of underwear."

In that case, is it safe to stick a swab "up there" to see traces of meconium? Are there other ways to detect the meconium if it isn't clear by looking at a dark patch that might only be dark because of the color of the cotton? Dare I ask? Well, sure... being an inquisitive pregnant woman and all... and pretty much frightened by her whole explanation of why a newborn aspirating meconium is a bad thing (well, I figured that inhaling poo isn't a good thing, even before her talk.)

So my instructor looks at me like "you are nuts" and proceeds to say, "Yes, but colored panties* have a white crotch area, so obviously you will be able to tell what color your amniotic fluid is."

Except my colored underwear is 100% colored. No white crotch here. (And would I have been stupid enough to ask if I knew there was a white section? OK, it was a stupid question because I am sure I could have swabbed the underwear, etc. to check for meconium, but I was in a very trusting state given that the whole childbirth thing seemed very scary.)

I didn't want to buy all-white-underwear just a couple weeks before my due date just for this whole meconium-thing. As it turned out, I needed not worry -- my water broke in triage, and there was no meconium in sight.

But I always remember the firm voice of my instructor insisting that no underwear could possibly be colored.

* I hate the word "panties" because it seems so small. The diminutive "ies" only refers to women's underwear even though men used to be the only one wearing "pants." (Because men's is "underpants" not "tiny pants") "Boxers" on the other hand, sound studly. Of course, I am being too sensitive on this matter. :)

I was looking around the web to see if I could find a copy of a tampon ad I saw recently that showed a bunch of multi-colored oval-headed feminine products, since it seemed really funny that you could select what color you wanted that day... but instead I came across instructions for making a tampon angel.

Here is the poem that accompanies the instructions:
I'm your little visiting angel, pretty as a swan.
I'll decorate your tree or wreath from dusk until the dawn.
I know that every month you'll think of me and put a smile on!
I'll even be hanging around when you crave a box of bon bons.
Now I guess you've figured out, and no, you're not wrong...
Someone found out another use for a playtex tampon!

UPDATE: Here's more tampon art.

UPDATE #2: I found what I was originally looking for -- Beyond by Playtex. It isn't as cool as I had originally thought. The paper advertisement shows all the pastel colored tampon applicators together, so I figured it was a box filled with multi-colored product, all the same except for color. Actually, each color is a different absorbancy. So really, you choose your color by how much absorbancy you need, not what color suits your mood. Darn. The applicator looks nicely rounded and really sleek... If I weren't an o.b. girl, then perhaps I would consider this product. If the product came in vibrant colors like cobalt blue or a deep purple I would try the product anyway. Pastel is cutsey, but richer colors would be nice. (Yes, I know why they wouldn't do a deep-red product... And yes, I know the colors are only on the applicator, not on the actual tampon, but that is still cooler than having the colors only on the wrapper. If the actual tampon were colored, I'd pretty much run the other direction.)

My son doesn't just expect candy if he pees. He pretty much compliments me and my husband if we sit on the toilet and has offered us candy. This has died down a bit since his enthusiasm for the potty has died down, but on occasion he'll clap and cheer, "Good job, Mommy!" if he sees me doing my business. Of course, watching my husband pee is a great deal more entertaining, and watching my son try to mimic my husband by standing up (typically without standing on the stool, which means he is way too short) is pretty amusing. He pretty thinks his penis is silly putty the way he tries to bend it up and over the edge of the bowl.

*gross alert* One time, my son was using the big toilet and I was having a particularly nasty bout of morning sickness, so I threw up in his little potty, which was sitting next to the toilet. My son grinned wide and clapped, saying, "Oh, good job Mommy! Good job for pooing in the potty!"

That is the heading on this ad for tampons, referenced a few days ago in a post by not-so-fresh. I'm captivated by this declaration. Just what is Dr. White implying? Is he talking about the shape of a man's entire body, or just of his penis? Like, if men had square-topped heads, we wouldn't date them? What does that say for the buzz-cut? Or does he mean we wouldn't get near square penises?

I'm fascinated by the possibilities.

I told my father about your son's claims of "It's broken!" in order to get candy for using the potty.
My father said, "Wait, you mean I can get candy for doing that? Does your mother know about this?"

I might have created a problem.

Interested in writing for tamponblog? That's great! In order for tamponblog to be what it is, we want women writers who write with some adherence to traditional writing conventions. Most of our sentences are complete, most of our words spelled/used correctly.  In the world of blogging, that's not for everyone.
The blogosphere takes all kinds, but we don't have to.
For the most part, we may not know a potential poster personally, so we'll be looking to your other blogs, comments, and/or anywhere else that you point us for a writing sample. 

Here are a few things we look for in potential posters:
~ Sentences with beginnings and ends.  (We are not partial to ... ellipses.  They make posts difficult to read.)
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Overall, we do not extend invitations lightly.  Avid commenters who show consistent mastery of language and thought may very well be offered an invitation.
Whether this energizes you or discourages you, we're glad you're enjoying our blog, and friendly comments are always welcome.
 
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Anyone interested in some Crack Creme?

Actually, it is to prevent the cracking of the skin (like on lips, over-sunned arms, etc.). But when I first read about it, I thought of two things before determining its proper use: Bums and Cocaine.

No wonder men mock women's medicine cabinets.

Here, I've taken CherryJello's suggestion.

One day I hope to make it so each post-er has a different look. Like, a background color. Or font color. Or both. If you have a preference, let me know.

Ladies, sorry I keep fiddling with the template. I'm trying to make it easy to read and understand and all.
Quick Poll (leave answers in the comments):
Do you like the way links show up (bold and pink), or would you prefer them not-bold or a different color?

I concur. Only a man would think that a woman wouldn't be hurt, because she wouldn't resist the rape, serene and secure in the knowledge that a bit of her attacker was about to be cut off inside her.

The doctor's reasoning that this is safer, AIDS-wise, than regular old rape because having all that blood from the device in a non-injured vagina is safer than semen in a vagina that's bruised and cut from resisting the rape. He says, "But when a woman wears this device she would not resist and would not be damaged internally. So the chances of being infected by the blood from the rapist are, indeed, also less."

However, can not struggling keep you from getting the little tears that make AIDS transmission so likely? I doubt it, especially since so many of the victims are young girls. (If you keep reading, a later article explains about a myth that raping a virgin will cure you of AIDS.) I think that even if she holds still, nonconsensual sex could cause injury. Especially if there's something in there that could be rammed further into you. And especially if you're not fully grown. (Think about it, even adult, consensual sex can be painful sometimes without our friend, KY.)

I think that this is a man's idea of what would scare men off. Forget the needs of the victim, she's going to be scarred for life anyway. What's a little extra horror? May as well not let it be in vain! It's disgusting.

Has anyone thought about how if there's a string or something for the girl to remove it, the rapist could just pull it out first??? Argh! Men are stupid!

I wonder what it would take to create a comfortable, secure chastity belt.

Hmmm. The post below scares me.

First -- I think the woman would still be traumatized by the experience
Second -- I think the woman would still resist being raped
Third -- I think the woman would still be damaged internally
Fourth -- yes, I agree there would be death / severe violence to the woman involved in retaliation
Fifth -- how does one remove said device without having her fingers chopped off?
Sixth -- is she supposed to wear the device always... just in case?

Maybe a device that emits a burning spray would work. The woman would just have to remember to wear special gloves to remove. Maybe the rapist would touch his penis in horror, then touch his eyes, and then he'd be blinded! Woo-hoo! Or... maybe not.

I think women aren't meant to have their vaginas act like guillotines. Or mace. Or any other sort of weapon. As cool as that could be...

Ugh. Just the thought of a penis tip, rapist blood, and a scary device all stuck up there at once makes me shudder!

Check this out.

An anti-rape device which chops off the tip of a rapist's penis has been invented by a retired anaesthetist in the Free State, South Africa.

If you were the rapist, wouldn't you be even MORE likely to kill your victim, after her tampon cuts off the tip of your penis?

Funny ad about painful applicators, which I found on the Museum of Menstruation & Women's Health Web site.

So, if someone were to draw us a Mensie logo, what would she look like?

If only my son were as self-aware as the toddler Not-So-Fresh described: Instead, he yanks on his penis, saying "It's broken!" when he wants to pee (to get a candy reward for using the potty) and nothing is coming out.

And he always requests jeans "with a zipper", so he can move the zipper up and down all day. It looks like he is constantly playing with himself.

I've taught him the words "penis" and "vagina"... but he doesn't actually use them yet. My luck, it will be in public when he decides to let me know he was actually listening. A couple weeks ago, he pointed at a woman in a tank top, saying "Mommy, she's wearing underwear! Get a shirt!"

Oh... and he thinks pads are diapers. He saw me putting one in my pants and said, "Oh, Mommy's diaper!" Of course, that is a more accurate description now than in my non-pregnant state, but still!

I don't remember ever seeing my mom with pads or tampons... she must have hid them well and/or I simply didn't notice. After she gave me "the talk", she showed me her loot. I still remember the complete shock when she told me about female puberty. We do what every month?

Perhaps Mensie & Friends could produce a workout video?

But this wouldn't be your typical stretching your legs type of deal. No! This would stretch those muscles that cause bad cramps!

Instead of getting crippling cramps each month, we could gradually use those muscles so that cramps, labor pain, and other such female aches could be banished!

Wouldn't you think that after years of use (albeit only once a month) that cramps would diminish a bit? I had certainly hoped. And after having pretty intense monthly cramps, I figured labor pain wouldn't be so bad (because of a silly idea that maybe my intense cramps were somehow preparing me for the real deal.)

Now that I am on my second kid, I am experiencing "pelvic separation" like nobody could believe. In my ever-optimistic state, I am hoping that means that the kid will slide right out! But really, I think it just means I get to have pelvic separation pain for awhile. This means that it feels like I've been kicked hard in the crotch... or that I've trotted on a horse all day.

Should-da used my Mensie video, I guess.

I've got to agree with Not-So-Fresh on the o.b. issue. I have always been an o.b. girl and find applicators scary. No matter if cardboard or plastic, I get the feeling I am aiming them the wrong way and they end up ricocheting off my pelvis in some strange way that feels unnatural and creates leaks. So in the emergency situtation where I use an applicatored-tampon, I expect to pee / sneeze it out, whereas o.b. just stays in there nicely.

As for Instead... I too have a friend who uses them religiously and convinced me to buy a pack. I don't like the sensation of putting a tire up there - it is like I am guilty of forcing something unnatural up there. (Reminds me of the rumor in junior high about the girl who stuck a hot dog up there and it broke off. So that's why the ambulance arrived right after lunch!) What really got me about Instead, though, was that since it has no actual absorbancy, removing it is a delicate operation. If you tip it wrong as you remove it, the uh... stuff comes out on your hand. It is interesting to see how much you actually "collect" in a certain amount of time, but I'd prefer to just yank a string and not get to intimate with the details.

My family's name: "pee-pee." Whether boy or girl, if you had to pee, you'd be using your pee-pee. For years, I figured it was an abbreviation of "private parts." (Evidently it's just a silly word.) At that stage, the word was a pretty generic term for a region, rather than for a specific piece. Like the Vagina Monologues definition of vagina.

I also remember my brother and I arguing about how many holes people had. He was adamant that there were two, but I'd been taught that there were three. It hadn't yet occurred to me to ask what the third hole was for, so we had a stalemate. Once I realized that we girls got an extra hole, I was pretty psyched. I thought it was special.

A few years ago, a friend of mine babysat for a child who is being raised with a much more frank and complete understanding of her "private parts." My friend was giving this toddler a bath, and handed her a washcloth. The little girl gave my friend a suspicious look and asked if there was soap on the washcloth. My friend was bowled over when this tiny kid said matter-of-factly, "We don't use soap on my vulva. It dries it out."

Wouldn't it be great to create a little character called Mensie? She would go around having adventures, I guess, and fight bloating and bad moods.

Or maybe she would be an evil badass with sidekicks Bloating and Bad Moods. Either/or.

I am affixing address labels to a newsletter. One such label is for an "A.M. Nottahoff" - but because her husband's name is preceeded by hers along with a handwritten ampersand that looks like an "I" and because the label is too short to accomodate the full name, The label reads "I AM Nottaho."

Tee hee.

One summer, I was living with two women and my ex-boyfriend (we signed the lease right before we broke up.) I had been his first girlfriend, and he was still pretty clueless about feminine matters. One evening, we were talking and somehow I ended up using the word "menses." The ex started to laugh, saying, "you can use the real word!" I countered with, "That IS the real word!"

Apparently, he thought that "menses" was really something like "mensie"/"mensy" (or another cutesy spelling) pluralized. (Reminds me of "Maisy") He thought it was a little nickname to avoid saying "menstration" and thought it was a personification-type thing. Like a mascot in our puberty books. (And we are all issued the same book, apparently.)

Likewise, he had heard the term "menarche", but thought it sounded like "Monarch" and would, thus, also be a cutesy term instead of a scientific term.

Unfortunately, I can't laugh too hard at his naivety because I honestly don't think I was educated enough about my own body. I had never heard the term "leukorrhea" until my first pregnancy and was thus pretty surprised that I'd have to wear pads. "No period during pregnancy, therefore no pads/tampons during pregnancy" had always been my assumption. Little did I know that stress incontinence and the aforementioned leukorrhea would actually mean wearing more pads than I would have had I just had a monthly visitor. Oh... and the "period" that comes after pregnancy pretty much lasts for months. So the tradeoff for "40 weeks of a missed period" isn't as sweet as I would have thought.

I had always been confused by the "boys have penises; girls have vaginas" formula my parents used to explain the difference between the genders (and yes, I was taught those two words, not "wee-wee", or "dingle", or any cutesy substitute*.) At first, I figured that pensises were removeable, and if I simply acquired one, I could be a boy. Of course, I had no desire to be a boy because I wanted to be a beautiful princess with very long hair, and boys were supposed to have short hair, but still. I thought it might be interesting to try putting on a little hose to pee standing up. That curiousity was short lived -- My mom bought a contraption that enables women to funnel their pee, but I never had the guts to try it.

Later, I was pretty surprised to discover that pee doesn't actually come out of my vagina. Horrified at what actually does come out, I was confused about having a "third hole" and pretty angry about it. Why do men get dual-action devices, I wondered. And then I started to think further about that situation. Like how do we know that when semen comes out that there isn't just a little urine involved, too? I know the science behind it, but I can't help but think it isn't all separate.

*= my parents got me a book (published in the seventies) of tons of naked people showing how happy they were with their bodies. It was black and white, and all the people were on the beach. The captions were things like "Mr. Smith is proud of his penis." I was pretty scared of the huge hair in various places and am doubtful the book had its desired effect. To this day, I don't hang out at the beach. And I am afraid of hippies.

over on dooce, she's opened up the comments section to hear from people what words parents have taught their daughters to use for "vagina".
Surprisingly (to me, anyway), many people have their toddlers say "vagina".

I don't recall having any name or nickname for it, but one of my favorites from a commenter there was "twiffy". (comment #16) What a great nickname for vagina! I'm considering changing my blog signature to twiffy.

Well, you could just have a mix of Batman-and-Robin style pairs mixed in with the more 'romantic' ones.

Another (albeit more involved) alternative would be People Bingo with superbingo. Beforehand, make up a grid of 4x4 or 5x5 (depending how many people you have), and put in each square a trait/characteristic/life-event. The idea is that everyone tries to get Bingo, a line of five, by getting other people to sign in the boxes that are true for those people. A line of five is only Bingo when all five boxes have different signatures.
Superbingo is when you get everyone's signature in at least one box.

It's fun to mix up the specificity of an item; making some easy to find a match (has green eyes) and some more particular to only one or two attendees (dated a plumber). For a bridal shower, it'd be fun to make the questions kind of goofy, relationship ones, like, kissed someone while on a train, or dated her hairdresser. But it's best if you make sure that there's one that fits every attendee, so everyone can sign somewhere.

A friend of mine swears by Instead Softcups, an alternative to tampons and pads that's like a tiny bowl. Or a cross between a diaphragm and a plastic sandwich baggie. She buys them by the case. You can wear it for twelve hours, and you can have sex while using it. One time I needed to borrow some feminine product, and it's all she had. I just couldn't get it in right, and was leaky and uncomfortable until I could get home.

This got me thinking, because I've always been the person whose friends never wanted to borrow from her stash, because I'm an o.b. girl. Personally, I think they're great. No applicator, so it's much less trash for the landfills. It's also very tiny, so I never needed to do the dead give away walk to the bathroom with a purse that embarrassed us so much in middle school. You can flare the end of o.b. tampons, which makes them 10 times more effective than the ones that have to stay straight to get through an applicator. And, once you get the hang of it, they're easier to position. (Plus, since I have less experience with applicators, I think that they can hurt! Especially the cardboard ones!) In high school, none of my girlfriends were willing to give them a try, because "ewww! touching yourself! ewww!" (Meanwhile I'm wondering, "You let your boyfriend go where you won't?") Unwilling to let my friends think I was gross, I stayed in the closet as an o.b. user throughout high school. By college, the stigma was gone, but still none of my girlfriends were willing to borrow from me in a bind, because an emergency is not the time for trying new products.

Is everyone this loyal to their feminine products? When I had to have my significant other pick me up some stuff at the grocery store, I sent him with an empty package so that he could find exactly the right thing.

"Easter Bunny whipped at church show; some families upset"

I'm planning a bridal shower (a very traditional, girly, tea in china teacups sort of shower), and although I'm not crazy about the idea of games, they may be helpful in this situation. I thought that I had a good idea for one that would be low-pressure, low-embarrassment, and would facilitate mingling between the groups of friends and family: give everyone a nametag on their back with the name of someone who was part of a famous couple. They have to figure out what their name is by asking yes-no questions of other guests, and find their mate. Romeo and Juliet, Bonnie and Clyde, Mork and Mindy, Antony and Cleopatra, etc.

However, a few of the guests are lesbians, and I thought it would be only right to include a few gay couples. I also thought that that would be easy. It's not. How many gay couples are there who are famous in the same way that Lancelot and Guinevere are? So often in movies and on tv, the token gay character is the second banana, and/or lonely. And a lot of historical couples have been left out of popular memory. The best I can come up with is Gertrude Stein and Alice B. Toklas. There's also Willow and Tara, but how well-known are Buffy the Vampire Slayer characters? Anne Heche and Ellen don't work, because they broke up. Same with Carrie Weaver and Sandy Lopez. Not only can I not assume that enough people have kept up with ER, that relationship ended tragically last night. There are lots of famous people who have/had gay lovers, but who actually remembers the name of the reporter that Eleanor Roosevelt had a relationship with? Or Melissa Etheridge's wife? Alexander the Great's cavalry commander? Can you imagine your name tag saying "The Dark Lady" and trying to figure out that you need to find Shakespeare?

I could always just leave out the romantic aspect, and do people or things that go together. Peanut butter and jelly. Batman and Robin. Bert and Ernie. Thelma and Louise. Laverne and Shirley. King Kong and Fay Wray. (Why be speciesist?) But it's a bridal shower! I liked the romantic bit.

A blogger recently blogged about another blogger, a woman stationed in Iraq. Most of the comments in this string this string are about whether or not the soldier's reports are true, and if she's going to get in trouble for blogging about sensitive stuff. However, there's also some discussion of feminine products' usefulness as battlefield bandages, and how pads came to be invented.

Unplugged, you are so right to be skeptical! The small print about the "5 days earlier" thing is: "In clinical testing, First Response® detected the hormone levels in 69% of women 4 days before their expected period, in 83% of women 3 days before their expected period, in 93% of women 2 days before their expected period, and in 93% of women 1 day before their expected period."

If the typical consumer is anything like me, if she gets a negative result 4 days before the expected period, she's going to test again the next day to be 14% more sure of the results, and again the next day, until she hits the 99% accuracy not-pregnant once she's late, or gets a positive result. At roughly $10/test, this can get expensive!

So, with First Response, (see post below), you can find out five days sooner AND send out e-cards.
Isn't that jumping the gun a little? I mean, there's a pretty common incidence of false positives with over-the-counter pregnancy tests. So there she is, test-wand in hand, sending out e-cards before she's even seen a doctor or at the least, taken a second, different-branded test.
I wonder if there are any whoops e-cards.
Ones that read,
Not pregnant after all, but I'll let you know when I am!
or
Aunt Flo says no go
or
The only bun in my oven is made of sloughing... OK, that one was too gross for me to even type out. You get the picture.

Solidarity, not-so-fresh. I'll try out a tamponblog-appropriate pseudonym, too.

Speaking of e-cards, 1st Response, the pregnancy test folks, have e-cards on their website, including one that says, "Guess Who's Due?" Now you can use 1st Response to test for pregnancy "five days sooner than other leading pregnancy tests," then use e-cards to get the joyous news out fast!

I forget whether I put one back in or not this afternoon.
I hate that.

UPDATE:
Did. (thought y'all'd like some closure)

A friend's website has a link to (joke) e-cards for sad occasions, and it reminded me of this (sincere) card I saw at Papyrus the other day. There was a frog wearing a crown on the cover, and underneath the picture it said,

Sorry to hear your frog...
(open card)
...turned out to be a frog. (with sketch of same frog.)

It's a break-up card!
A broken engagement card!
A divorce card!

And it could easily be made into a widow card by changing the inside to read:
...got squished. (with sketch of steamroller.)

Have you clicked on that link yet (on the sidebar)?
I think I'm going to have my breast exam reminders emailed to everyone in my family.

seems like a good idea at the time.
and the time is now.